Ah, property shows, the mainstay of daytime television.  Smiley smiley Carol Smillie, Laurence Llewellyn Bowen and the ever-irritating Linda (that looks really really nice) Barker with the most grating voice I’ve EVER heard have a lot to answer for.  By the way, Linda Barker, it doesn’t look really really nice, it looks rubbish.

There are so many property shows it’s almost beyond belief, from the happily now defunct Changing Rooms to the hilarious 80s throwbacks of Homes Under the Hammer, To Buy or Not to Buy, Grand Designs, Property Ladder, The Home Show, Location Location Location Location Location etc, and many more besides.  To be fair, the evening ones on Channel 4 are quite good, but the daytime ones really do suck.  By far the worst is 60 Minute Makeover on ITV during the day.  I’ve only seen it once but it really is atrocious because they actually do do it in only 60 minutes.  How good do you reckon the finish is on that then?  You’re absolutely right, it’s bloody awful.  Can you imagine going out for a trip to ASDA one lunch time only to come home and find that 437 people have traipsed mud through your house, got paint all over your carpet, put up some nasty wallpaper without smoothing out the bubbles and “distressed” your perfectly good pine furniture?  I’d be horrified.  They’re always bleating on about how much the lucky recipient deserves it so I can only assume the people that nominate them REALLY hate them.

Of course, these property shows all started when there was a massive property boom that seemed like it would never end.  And now it has, so have they all gone away?  No they haven’t.  No, instead they’ve all changed.  Now there are endless references to the “current market” and very serious faces.  Some of the shows even want you to make do with what you’ve got, rather than try and make a profit out of your bricks and mortar.  You mean….you want me to….LIVE in the house?  Good grief, I’d never thought of that!  That said, the irritating bastards they find to do Location etc still manage to have budgets of £950k and I’ve never really been able to understand how.  What the hell do they do for a living?  Steal organs and sell them on the black market?  Annoying though the couples are I do have a soft spot for Kirstie and Phil.  They have such great chemistry, something that was sorely lacking when Kirstie’s sister took over for a short while.  In fact she had her own show recently on the BBC and just came across as a rude skinny sour faced bitch.  Maybe that was just me.

I often wonder how Sarah Beeny doesn’t lose her rag at people on Property ladder.  This is a woman who has been developing property from a young age, knows exactly what she’s doing and has made an absolute fortune out of it.  So if she wasn’t presenting a property programme her advice would probably cost a mint.  But do the first time developers ever take any notice of her sage advice?  Do they?  Of course they don’t!  They know it would be much better to spend £50k on the kitchen with diamond garden gnomes on that only they like than the £2k one from B&Q.  Grrrrrrrr.

And Grand Designs, God, there are so many.  But Grand Designs is a good one.  Kevin McCloud is very honest about whether he likes each house and always goes on about architectural stuff i don’t really get.  As far as I’m concerned some of the houses look lovely at the end and some are horrible.  And not a one of them ever looks like the kind of place you could or would live in.  They all look like airport lounges.  Every one of them.

But my favourite episode of one of these shows ever was an overseas special of “Selling Houses” where they do your pigsty up so someone will actually want to buy it.  On this special show they featured a couple who’d bought a cave house on the side of a mountain.  They were complaining that it was a bit damp.  Imagine that.